Sometimes You're Not Reacting to What Just Happened

Have you ever wondered why something small affected you so much?

Someone speaks to you in a certain tone.

Someone ignores you.

Someone criticises you.

You enter a particular place.

And suddenly you feel angry, anxious, defensive or uncomfortable.

Even you might think:

Why did that affect me so much?

Sometimes the answer is simple:

You aren't reacting only to what is happening now. You're also reacting to what it reminds you of.

Your brain learns from emotional experiences.

If something frightened you, hurt you or made you feel unsafe in the past, your brain can remember not only what happened, but also the feeling attached to it.

Later, something in the present may resemble that old experience.

It could be a tone of voice.

A facial expression.

A place.

Being ignored.

Being criticised.

Someone walking away from you.

And your emotional brain recognises the pattern.

I've felt this before.

Imagine a young child who gets lost in a crowded supermarket.

For those few minutes, the child is terrified. They can't find their parents. They're surrounded by strangers. They feel completely alone.

Years later, that child is an adult.

They enter a packed supermarket and suddenly feel uncomfortable.

They know they're safe.

They know there's nothing to worry about.

But something about the situation feels wrong.

The adult may have forgotten the original experience.

The emotional association may still remain.

And this can help explain why some of our reactions seem bigger than the situation in front of us.

Sometimes today's criticism touches yesterday's humiliation.

Sometimes today's silence touches yesterday's rejection.

Sometimes today's disagreement touches an old fear of being abandoned.

The present presses a button that the past installed.

That doesn't mean every strong emotion comes from childhood. Sometimes the problem really is what's happening now.

But when your reaction seems much bigger than the situation, it may be worth asking:

Am I reacting to what is happening — or to what this feels like?

Because sometimes the past doesn't come back as a memory.

It comes back as a feeling.